If you’re reading this blog after someone has recently died, the thought of starting to make sense of life can feel overwhelming. Please be advised this content comes directly from lived experience and contains mentions of death and loss which some may find triggering. If you need support organisations that can help can be found at the end of this blog.
When someone close to you dies, life can stop making sense
When my dad died in 2014, even though he’d been ill for a while, the shock of losing him was overwhelming. I couldn’t sleep, struggled to eat, and found it hard to connect with anyone. It felt like my whole identity had shifted. Everyday things – a song, a smell, an object – suddenly carried deep meaning. They became symbols of him (solidarity to anyone who has found themselves crying over a single raspberry jelly in a supermarket on a wet Monday evening).
When my mum died suddenly in 2021, it was different. The shock left me numb and sometimes angry. I threw myself into getting things done, almost like I was running on a motor, but I’d burn out quickly and crash for days.
In both losses, I kept wondering: When will this end? The pain was so intense. At first, I tried to push straight into counselling, thinking grief was something to “get over.” What I learned is that grief isn’t something you finish – it’s something you go through and keep going through. It’s not a straight path. There are detours, circles, and surprises along the way.
Over time, I’ve realised grief is part of me now. I carry it every day. Anniversaries and big life moments can make it heavier, but what’s helped is letting my losses become part of my story – and finding ways to honour that story through meaning-making.
What’s the difference between bereavement and grief?
Bereavement is the loss itself – something that happens to us. Grief is how we respond to it. Bereavement is tied to a moment in time, but grief can stay with us for years.
How we grieve is deeply personal. It can depend on:
- who has died and our relationship to them
- how they died
- how our family or friend circle grieves
- how our wider community and faith marks the death of someone.
What happens to us after a bereavement?
Grief affects your whole body. In the early days, you might feel exhausted, withdrawn, and like nothing makes sense. Then there are days that feel almost normal – until the feelings hit again. Over time, this usually eases, especially with the right support.
Finding your “new normal” means discovering what feels right for you. If you like theory, you might look up the Dual Process Model of Grief by Stroebe and Schut, or Lois Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief. Both explain why grief feels so up and down.
What is meaning-making through grief?
The stories we tell ourselves – and the actions we take – shape how we live after loss. How we see our loss can hold us back or help us build a life we love.
Telling our story helps us to understand how we are feeling in the present but also understand our relationship better with the person who has died. It’s never too late to change the story you tell yourself about what you’ve been through.
Loss can remind us how precious life is. It can teach us to cherish the present and love deeply, knowing every moment matters.
The actions we take are ways that we can support ourselves in our new world. They help build our resilience by honouring the past and taking forward things that matter to us.
If you would like some theory to look at, look up the work of Robert Neimeyer who has written about the meaning-making process in therapy.
How to bring meaning-making into our lives while we grieve
There are different ways to bring meaning making into your journey with grief. These are a few things that helped my process.
Maintaining our mental health
Talking to someone you trust can make a huge difference. Being heard is powerful. A therapist can help you explore what happened and how you’re coping, in a safe space where you can feel whatever you need to.
Continuing bonds
Not everyone finds comfort in keeping a connection with someone who has died – and that’s okay. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Holding on to items of sentimental value, daily habits, visiting places where you felt close to the person who died are ways that we can continue a bond. Doing these things may come naturally to grieving people and these rituals can help us to cope.
For me, holding on to sentimental items helped. My parents had a vinyl collection, and I’ve kept the records that mean the most. Looking at them brings back memories and even the smell of a familiar past.
Creativity and repurposing
When words failed me, I drew. I let myself be messy. I also taught myself to knit from YouTube videos – something my Nana tried to teach me years ago. Making that first scarf felt like being close to her again.
My mum and I loved live music, so I’ve started customising one of her old denim jackets with band patches we both loved.
Being part of something bigger
My parents supported a charity that runs fundraising events. Running a 5K was way out of my comfort zone, but training and sharing why I was doing it gave me a chance to talk about my dad. Crossing that finish line was very emotional – I cried, but I felt proud. It was a way to give back in his name and connect with others who understood.
If you weren’t close to the person who died, you can still find meaning by supporting a cause you care about. Feeling part of something bigger can bring connection and solidarity.
You can also fundraise for us. Find your local event or challenge here.
There is hope
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. These are just things that helped me – yours might look different, and that’s okay. If you’re reading this and wondering how to move forward, I hope some of these ideas help. And if you’ve found your own ways of making meaning, we’d love to hear them.