Mark Rowland
Content warning: this story includes mentions of suicide. Please read with care. There are details of where to get help at the bottom of this page.
Christmas is often portrayed as a season of wall-to-wall joy and celebration. Of course it can be a time of renewal, hope and re-connection. But the original Christmas story was also stressful and messy; it was the story of escaping persecution, searching for a place of safety and managing huge uncertainty.
If, like me, you've lost loved ones, especially in sudden or tragic circumstances, or are caring for those who have, the festive season can feel as messy and complicated as the first one.
What Christmas means when you're grieving
For me, Christmas with grief was a time to reflect, take stock and search for consolation. I found solace through music and connecting with something bigger than me, as well as comfort from friends and family.
But giving and receiving love is a hugely important part of the festive period and when someone who was a source of that love is missing, it can also leave you feeling isolated and alone. That is why Christmas with grief can be a confusing time and it can be painful.
The first Christmas after loss
The first Christmas after losing my brother to suicide was poignant, surreal and steeped in sadness. I found volunteering helpful – just doing something different to previous years and feeling like I was helping others. I remember feeling grateful for having the space to remember my brother but also feeling irritated and disconnected from those around me. If you’ve felt numb, overwhelmed, or guilty, it’s all part of the pain pushing through the surface and living with grief.
Facing difficult emotions is really important to avoid getting stuck in grief. Getting stuck means that grief becomes a destination rather than something that you live through and even grow from. But that timeline is different for everyone and we all need help in facing those emotions in healthy ways.
Christmas over the years has been a time that has sometimes taken me backwards and at others, been part of the healing process. These are the things I found helped the healing:
- Be prepared. I tried to be ready for a spectrum of emotions and responses – not be ambushed.
- Set boundaries. Families can be complicated at the best of times so I tried to set boundaries - better to say no to gatherings or traditions that felt too much.
- Built loss into the rituals. I have tried to find ways to co-opt the rituals of Christmas to include remembering my brother, even it was just lighting a candle
- Talk it out. I found talking with my partner and naming how I felt (especially emotions like anger) helped me; name it to tame it!
Coping with grief doesn’t mean being cheerful all the time. It’s about finding small ways to keep going.
My top advice if you're struggling this Christmas
Stay connected. Surround yourself with people who understand and support you.
Look after yourself. Sleep, eat well, and move your body - these basics matter.
- Seek meaning: Volunteering or helping others can bring a sense of purpose.
Notice small things. A walk in nature, a favourite song, or a quiet moment can offer peace.
Kindness is king. To borrow from Charles Mackesy: ‘You will have critics,’ said the horse. ‘Try not to be one of them.’
- And of course, if things get too much, reach out early for support.
Help is available
There may not be an obvious reason why someone feels suicidal. But whatever the cause, there is help available.
What can I do if I feel suicidal?
If you don’t feel that you can keep yourself safe right now, call 999 or go straight to A&E. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts and need support, you can:
- call your GP and ask for an emergency appointment
- call NHS 111 for out-of-hours help
- contact your mental health crisis team if you have one
Our crisis care page has more information on who can help.
Free helplines
- Samaritans offer a support service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call them free on 116 123. You can also email jo@samaritans.org Samaritans also have practical tips on dealing with suicidal feelings.
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) has a helpline (5 pm to midnight) and webchat for anyone who’s having a tough time and needs to talk.
- Papyrus supports people under 35 who have thoughts of suicide and others who are concerned about them. You can call their HOPELINE247 on 0800 068 4141, text 07860 039967 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org . They’re open 24 hours a day.
- Mind has information on supporting someone who feels suicidal.