After a lifetime of being locked in a prison of emotional torture, anguish and mental illness, I have finally found an escape. A middle-aged Belfast man, I have spent my entire life devoted to the care of my severely disturbed mother - all the while believing that this was normal. But a desperate search of the Internet released me from the hell of single-handedly coping with the burden of what I know now to be a frighteningly common condition.
Now to prevent others going through a similar lonely life of suffering, I am planning to set up a new support group for families. I need the support myself after years of coping on my own, and I feel very strongly that nobody else should have to be alone with this. It has been a lifeline for me to find that my life story mirrors that of thousands of others.
Horrors
An only child born into a working class family, my father shielded me from the horrors that he endured at the hands of his wife, for their entire married life. But that safeguard vanished when he died and, at just 18 I was thrown into a nightmarish world, even a psychiatrist would have difficulty dealing with.
It was constant aggression, constant mood swings, major depression and unpredictable rages. One argument over nothing would last months. She is extremely manipulative, and yet any stress at all would put her out of control. It may sound implausible, but her head literally turns purple when she gets so angry - even at 77 years of age!.
In common with other BPD suffers, my mother also displayed other symptoms which, in some cases overshadowed the underlying problem. Chronically agoraphobic, she has not left the house without me for 40 years. Coupled with a profound fear of being left alone, it made my efforts to hold down a job and some semblance of normality a daily trial.
Financially, my mother's refusal to accept that she was ill, prevented her from obtaining social security benefits so, as in every other respect I was once again left to carry the load. I had been brought up by my father to look after my mother, so I accepted it. I really didn't know any different - I just thought it was something I had to live with.
Inevitably, the burden took its toll and in desperation I resorted to the bottle. I drank myself into oblivion. Rather than go home I would sleep in the car. I felt I couldn't tell anyone. But I knew I had to change because if I kept going I would be dead. It was only when a friend advised me to seek medical advice for my mother, 12 years ago, that it occurred to me that I was entitled to help.
Doctor
Sadly, meeting with a doctor was far from helpful. I will never forget his words. He told me, "We are well aware of your mother - she is one of the most problematic patients we have. She is psychotic and has a personality disorder and, my advice to you is to get as far away as possible, before you become like her." Incredible as it sounds, my encounter understandably put me off seeking further help, and also embarrassed me. Indeed, it says something about the stigma still attached to mental illness that prevents me from revealing my true identity. But something had struck a cord. And I kept hoping for a miracle to end this misery.
Then, while working on the Internet, I came across a psychiatric illness site and, reading the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, realised that I had finally hit home. I remember thinking, "My God, it has a name!".
Crazy
I could hardly believe it. All those years thinking it was me, or I was crazy and yet here it was in black and white. I quickly began researching the condition on the net and soon discovered support groups in America. At last I was able to talk freely to others about my mother's illness, received support from those in similar situations and amazingly, discovered that BPD is controllable with drugs and therapy.
If the issues raised by this story affect you, you may find it helpful to find out more about Personality Disorders.
Back to Personal Stories
The information on this page was provided by Alan. The views and comments expressed do not necessarily reflect those held by the Mental Health Foundation
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